Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hopes & Wishes

It's come to my attention lately that tons of people are obsessed with some movie called "The Secret." All of these people are also living their lives by some supposed law of attraction or something like that. I think the two go hand in hand, but I could be mistaken. As far as I have been told, one of the things you do, when you follow these "life altering principles" is to think of what you want in life.

Ok, visualization, I have no problem with that. Sounds good.

Not only do you think about it, but you "ask" for it. That's where I got a little confused. Who you ask, I'm not really sure. It seems quite popular though so I gave it a shot. I called Hugh Hefner and asked him if I could move into the mansion. He hasn't called back yet. It's only been three months, so I haven't given up hope. I also called Puffy (P. Diddy to the rest of you) and asked if he would put me on his next single and help me improve my dancing skills a little. He threatened to hang me upside down off the roof of some building, like he used to do to people in the mid 90's, if I ever called back again.

I guess you have to really be deep in the inner circle to get that wish granting guy's number.

A friend of mine, who is in on this whole phenomenon called me recently to tell me of all the great things that were happening in his life. I was blown away by what he had going and asked him what he attributed all his recent success to. He told me he just "asks" for it and it comes to him.


"Who da fuck you askin?! Cuz I seriously need to meet this dude!"

Another premise of this whole belief system is that you tell people what you want to happen in your life. Meaning that if you want to make a million dollars a year, you tell people that you make a million dollars a year. That is why you will see tons of online marketers talking about how many millions they made this year while there fat asses take the free shuttle to the airport instead of the limo they should be able to buy.

While I know this seems like it's lying and being dishonest, there has to be some magic behind it, right? Well, that's what I thought, so I gave this principle a try as well.

For the last three months I have told every girl that I've met that I'm hung like Ron Jeremy. Sometimes they want proof. I explain to them that as much as I would love to show them, I am engaged to be married and my fiance would not approve. I then go on to explain that the young lady I speak of is none other than the lovely and talented, Vida Guerra.

Sometimes, they ask for proof of that. This is where things get a bit sticky. I have no pictures of V (my nickname for her) and I in my wallet, nor any on my phone. Not even a text message or missed call from her. Finally I have to concede, to the ones that push the issue, that I'm caught and I was lying (wishing/asking, I forget which one).

Now knowing that the God/Master of wish granting that all these people believe in couldn't possibly let me down twice in one night, I offer to prove to them that only one of my statements was a lie (wish). If they come back to my place, I will gladly show them that I am not the liar I appear to be.

When it turns out that both of my wishes had been rejected in the same night, a general feeling of melancholy fills the room. I had been hoodwinked, duped, bamboozled, yet again, for the umpteenth time in the last three months. She, on the other hand, just has that same mirthless, desolate look on her face that most girls who get to know me end up with; only in this case it took a lot less time than the usual two months.

Like my friend John Alvino asked, how could this law only apply to online marketing and not penis size? Does that almighty master know when you are trying to sneak one by? Are there only certain wishes he grants? I mean my friend got a new job, a new girlfriend and all kinds of other stuff just because he asked. So why hasn't Vida Guera replied to the question I asked her then? Maybe I'm just a cynical bastard and it doesn't work for people like me.

Or maybe, just maybe, there is no "universal law" that is based on FUCKING LYING. How about that? Could that possibly be so? Maybe, no matter how many times you tell someone that you make five million a year on your membership site or that you are going to be opening up for the newly reunited Led Zeppelin or that you have a twelve inch penis; a lie is just a lie.

Ever think of that?

Now to be fair, there may be more to "The Secret" and all the principles that go with it. I just have never had the heart to watch it. The fact that every else is doing so, makes it even less appealing.

What I'm saying is that you can "ask" and you can "wish" for things all you want. No one cares. Hard work and perserverance; that's how you get what you want in life. If want to bench press a certain amount of weight, I can ask for that to happen every night before I got to bed but unless I put in the hard work necessary to achieve that goal, it's never going to happen.

You can also lie about how much money you make to every person you meet. It doesn't affect us. It's only you that has to live a life filled with dishonesty and deceit. And it's you that is truly missing out on the meaning and joy of life because money has become your only undying obsession.

Also, if you really discover the power to magically change the universe and make all things work in your favor just by focusing and asking, don't you think you could find something a little more noble to do with that power than just increase the size of your own wallet?

Maybe end the war, help the homeless, something along those lines...

Na, wishing for your new Ferrari is more important than all that.

(And by the way, Vida, if you're reading this... call me.)